76.6%

I went on a date today, where the guy I was out with said "You can pretty much sum up what’s important to me in three words; Family, Food, and the Gospel".
Same here.

Going to LDSBC is the best. One time for one of my homework assignments I was asked to do complete the Christ-like attribute activity in Preach my gospel.  I never could have anticipated the impact that this assignment would have on me.

It sparked my curiosity to see how I’ve changed since I’ve been home from my mission, and the results were very eye opening.

 I completed the activity, and after adding up my answers and calculating percentages my highest percentages were in the attributes of Knowledge, Hope, and Humility; my lowest were Virtue and Patience.

Wait... WHAT? I was shocked! Virtue and Patience are my lowest?! Those two attributes are so very important to me! How can they be the ones I possess the least? I was suddenly swarmed with sudden desires both to laugh and cry. After the first sense of shock wore off and disappointment began to set in, I recognized that I needed to take a step back and look at the results more logically and less emotionally.

I looked at my lowest percentage of a Christ-like attribute. It is 76.6%. 76.6% is like a C, which is not the worst thing ever! So I must be doing somethings right! 76.6% of the time I am Virtuous and Patient! When I look at it this way, it rings much more true in my heart, and I feel more optimistic about improving.

I’m not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. I am glad to know what my strengths and weaknesses are. This way I know where I need to focus my efforts to change and spiritually grow.

Living with Bipolar Disorder

No, Bipolar Disorder is not when someone has a bunch of different personalities in their brain. Neither is it when people hear voices. It’s not something that can be seen simply by a few interactions with someone. It is a subtle, but difficult, mind disease. It’s a hormone imbalance, and it causes extreme emotions and frequent mood swings.  It mostly affects the individual with the disorder and their family. My father was diagnosed about 2.5 years ago; but he is so much more than bipolar. He is the greatest friend, the bestest dad, and my favoritest crazy person. <3

Poor ol' Satan is terrified

I love my job. In between tasks I often get a few minutes with which I can do whatever I please. Recently, with my papers being so close to being finished, I have taken almost every single free second at work to study 'Preach My Gospel'.

As I was reading today, I found I was having a hard time concentrating. My mind kept wandering. I was doing that thing where you read a paragraph, and then realize that you weren't actually paying attention, so you read it again, but you weren't paying attention that time either. You end up reading the same paragraph at least 20 times before you begin to understand what you've read. Then you move on to the next paragraph and do the same exact thing. This kept happening until I found myself thinking about how ridiculous it sounds for me to say that there is a God. I thought about how absolutely crazy I must be to believe in miracles, how naive I am to believe Joseph Smith is a prophet, or that man can be made perfect through the mercy of a dude named Jesus Christ. 

I caught these thoughts innocently playing through my head. Honestly, I was heartbroken and appalled. I knew it wasn't me thinking these things. I knew fully that Satan brought these doubts to mind. But still, I have never doubted these things before, why was I suddenly thinking this way now?
Ill tell you why. Poor Satan is terrified. He and I both know that my knowedge of truth is growing, and my faith is getting stronger.

Even with this realization, the doubt did not go away. I got frustrated. I figured out what was happening, why weren't the feelings gone? Perhaps, much like faith is compared to a seed, doubt can be compared to a weed. Unless pulled out of the ground, the weed will grow and grow and take over any seed or flower that once existed. I needed to be rid of this weed, if I wanted to continue my growth.

Then I remembered Nephi's brothers, Laman and Lemuel. I remembered how they murmured and doubted, and righteous Nephi said to them "How is it that ye have forgotten...?" (1 Nephi 7:10-12). Nephi pleads to them and us, REMEMBER.

• Remember the first time I REALLY prayed? At girls camp in a hidden part of forest, I felt peace and God's love for the first time in my life; I could NEVER deny that.

• Remember that night I didn't think I'd make it through alive? The pain that I prayed and begged God to take away, suddenly gone? Such mercy, such understanding; I could NEVER deny that.

• Remember the night that I made a huge mistake? A mistake that could not be taken back. I was alone and scared, until he miraculously sent his comforter to me; I could NEVER deny that.

• Remember when I stood in the Sacred Grove? The sacredness and peace I felt there, how real and close the Holy Ghost was, the personal revelations given to me there; I could NEVER deny that.

• Remember the incredible, heartbreaking guilt I have felt time and time again? Remember the love and forgiveness I received, even when I was the least deserving?

I COULD NEVER DENY THAT.

Tell me, Satan, how can I have a garden full of gratitude, faith, peace, joy, and love, and still have room for the doubt you're trying to plant? There is no room for your lies in my heart.

Get the hence, Satan. You are wasting your time with me. I am a daughter of God, the child of a king. I have a divine purpose and I plan on fulfilling it. You can't stop me now. You cant bring me down. You have no power over me. 

Heart Notes: Reasons to Smile

Dear Sara,

The days are swiftly getting colder. Winter is coming, and along with winter comes long dark days. Based on patterns set by past years, depression usually comes with this time of year. So I wanted to write this note to remind you that as the days get darker, longer, and harder, there are always reasons to smile.
REASONS:
You are ALIVE. Congratulations! You've made it this far! Although many scars remind you daily of how living can suck sometimes, they should also remind you that your body and your mind can survive so much pain. Whatever it is that may have you feeling down, remember that, with god, you have the strength to pull through.You have a family who loves you. You have pretty much the coolest brother EVER. He has always been, and always will be, your protector. Hes got your back no matter what. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, or just a punching bag, hes got you. You've got a father who cares so so so much about you, even though he sometimes isn't the most loud about it. ;) You've got the BEST sister. Seriously, the most righteous, loving, kind, pure woman on this planet is your older sister, you lucky duck. And so very soon (38 DAYS) she will be home from her mission and ready to change your life forever. Your mother is your best friend. You should never feel afraid to tell her anything, because its been proven time and time again that she loves you with her whole heart no matter what. The weather, although dark and cold now, will soon again be warm and bright. You have friends that take you on crazy adventures and know how to make you laugh. You have a heart capable of love and kindness. And last but not least you have a knowledge and a love of the gospel.

Find at least one reason to smile everyday. It'll help you make it through this looooooong winter.
Much love,
Your heart.

Suicide Awareness Day

So here's the thing.

LIFE SUCKS.

It is NOT easy. Waking up in the morning is usually the hardest thing to do, because you wake up knowing that today is just going to be another day of trails. Another day of being alone. Another day of him not caring. Another day of cruel words and harsh eyes. Another day of impossible expectations and abusive perspectives. Another day of being the only one to feel this way. Another day of pain.

I have these thoughts almost every morning and every night. Honestly, I'm not gonna sit here and say that all those thoughts are false. Most days are full of trials. Most of the time he doesn't care. Too often people will be cruel, harsh, and abusive. However, I want to make VERY clear that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY.
I'm pretty sure that everyone feels this way at some point or another in their life. Its pretty much human nature. The point is, there are so many people surrounding you, ready and willing to help you; because so many of us have been in your place and felt the same way.

I'm speaking from experience here. I BEG anyone who is having suicidal thoughts to please, PLEASE be strong and wait. Dying will always be easier than whatever it is you're going through, but I promise you that LIVING IS WORTH IT. It's worth the heart ache and all the pain. Life is full of ups and downs. Its pretty bad right now, but it gets better! aaaand then it will get hard again. But guess what? It always gets better again! Every single time! I guarantee it!

This last week was particularly hard for me. My motto: YOU CAN DO THIS. I'm celebrating 175 days self harm free. My scars are healing, yours will too. But first you need to get rid of whatever you're using and promise yourself NEVER to pick it up again. You can do this. You can do this.

Please, don't be afraid to reach out for help. No one will judge you. People love you and want to help you. I love you! Be strong.

Heart Notes: Be the friend you wish you had

Dear Sara,
Something you must understand about the human mind is that it is naturally selfish. According to some psychologists, we begin on this world with a sense of Egocentrism, which is basically when children are unable to see any point of view except their own. As children, the thought never crosses our mind that someone might see a different perspective from us. Part of growing up and maturing is realizing that other people don't always feel the same way you do. But I think as we grow up and see other peoples perspectives, we sometimes forget that we are all people, we are all human, and sometimes people do feel almost exactly the same way you do.
Someone else out there feels used, overlooked, and left behind. Some other poor girl constantly feels like a misfit. That girl has convinced herself that she isn't pretty enough, funny enough, or smart enough to hang out with certain people. She has serious problems trusting people, and for good reason. She sits up at night wishing that she could meet someone who actually cared, and reminded her regularly that they care. She spends her days smiling and her nights crying. People have proved to her time and time again that they are not to be trusted, and that she is not to be loved. Sara, loose yourself, strive to find this girl, and prove to her that she is worth every pain and heart ache and tear. Show her you understand what she has been through. Remind her time and time again that you care, and that she's perfect the way she is. If she needs someone in middle of the night, be there.
Be the friend to her that you have always wished and prayed that you would one day have.
Love,
Your Heart

Heart Notes: Loving the caterpillar AND the butterfly

Dear Sara,
Fact of life: Change happens. Technology changes, Fashion changes, Perspective changes, Standards change, Plans change, People change. YOU change.
Due to this, you cannot force someone to stay the same, just like you cant stop a caterpillar from forming a cocoon. You have to allow the people around you to change and grow. You owe it to them, because they allowed you to change and grow.  Yes, change is scary; But without it, life would be boring and pointless.  My advice for you; learn to love watching the change. Love the caterpillar and the butterfly. If you can do that, then all that's left to do is let that butterfly fly freely. 
Love,
Your Heart

Heart Notes: Faith over Fear

Dear Sara,
Fear is one of Satan's Favorite tools. Fear stops you from bringing home made cookies to that persons house, because what if they get upset for whatever reason? Fear stops you from talking to that boy in class, because what if you say something stupid and he thinks your an idiot? Fear stops you from stopping that drop dead gorgeous girl walking past you and telling her she looks fantastic today, because what if she thinks you're a creep or a lesbian or ugly? Fear stops you from telling him how you feel, because what if he doesn't feel the same way? Fear stops you from saying no, because what if you were the person one person they really needed to say yes? Fear stops you from inviting them to church with you, because what if they dont want to come or they do come and it goes terribly? Fear stops you from pursuing your dreams, because what if your not good enough? Fear stops you from texting that scripture reference to your friends, because what if they think your annoying? Fear stops you from doing all sorts of things; talking to the old man on the bench, giving a couple cents to the man with the cardboard sign, dying your hair red,  dancing alone in public, helping the lady load her groceries, stopping to buy lemon-aid from those little kids.
STOP THIS NONSENSE! One of my favorite sayings: "Fear and Faith cannot exist in a person at the same time." How in the world are you supposed to go around as a faithful servant of Jesus Christ if you allow these little fears to bombard your mind? Choose Faith over Fear. Dont be afraid to make mistakes. Dont be afraid of what others think of you. Follow the Holy Ghost and go out of your way to light up someones life. Be strong and of a good Courage.
Be spontaneous. Don't just say you'll try new things and live in the moment, actually do it! Remember, YOLO (You only live once). Screw everyone else! Do something outrageous and crazy everyday, regardless of what others will think of you.
Much love,
Your Heart

Heart Notes: Dont Worry, Be Happy!

Dear Sara,
You know what makes you miserable? Worrying. It stresses you out to the point of breaking down. You worry pointlessly about so many little things that dont deserve to be stressed out over. Listen to me. Take a deep breathe. live each day, one moment at a time; make each moment count. LET GO. Live life. Make mistakes. Take risks. make new friends and let go of the ones who dont make you smile. Love yourself, and who you are. When it comes to the future, remember your main goal; "When i grow up, all i wanna be is happy". Do things that make you happy and dont be afraid to try new things.
Love,
Your Heart

Heart notes: love the person, not the feeling.

Dear Sara,
Be sure that you love the person, and not just the way the person makes you feel. If you only love the way he makes you feel, then when you are away from him you miss his presence, and you are only satisfied when he's right there next to you with his arm around you. If you love the person, it makes no difference how far away from each other you get, you love him like he's right there next to you and are always happy and completely satisfied just by the thought of him.
Love,
Your Heart

Heart Notes: You are enough

Dear Sara,
Sure, you're not perfect. There are plenty of things you wish you could change about yourself. But always remember. YOU ARE ENOUGH. in fact, you are more than enough. Jesus Christ died for you, and to him, you were worth every drop of blood.
Love,
Your Heart

Heart Note: There is a plan

Dear Sara,
Don't worry if your still single. God is looking at you right now and saying, "I'm saving this girl for someone special". DO NOT allow yourself to get desperate. DO NOT settle. God has a plan for you. He is preparing you for that special someone, and he is preparing that special someone for you. Patience is key. Don't give up. It wont be easy, but it'll be worth it.
Love,
Your Heart

Heart Notes

Dear Heart,
Help. You are the only one who really understands.
Sincerely, 
Current, and Future Sara

Dear Sara,
Life is not easy. Ill try to help you through this mess. When you need me, ill be here.
Love,
Your Heart

Little Old Me

I am obnoxious. I sing when I shouldn't. I am short. I sometimes gossip. I am nerdy. I am loud. I dance everywhere. I am dependent on others. I screw up, a lot. I am not popular. I am slower than average. I sometimes judge people without getting to know them. I am not skinny. I am too nice. I'm not very funny. I get distracted easily. I sometimes swear. I have a bad memory. I suck at ceramics and my handwriting is barely legible. I am kinda pathetic.  I am super white. I procrastinate and get bad grades. I am not perfect.

I am well aware that I am flawed. I have looked my flaws in the face and I've accepted them. As my friend, all I ask is that your willing to look past these flaws, and see that I am a daughter of God. 

~Lovely by Sara Haze

The rising generation

We are the rising generation. We must be brave and courageous. We must be strong enough to endure to the end. God is counting on us to keep the spirit alive and spreading throughout the world. We owe the savior at least that much. We cannot rely on the testimonys of our parents and leaders forever. God needs us now. Give him your everything. Endure to the end, and you will be overwhelmingly blessed.

StarGirl

I read stargirl today, from cover to cover. I remember now why its one of my favorites. If you haven't read this book, its definitally one to add to your list!

"She laughed when there was no joke. She danced when there was no music.
She had no friends, yet she was the friendliest person in school...
She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting showdow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew."

"She did not seem to notice. Of all the unusual features of stargirl, this struck me as the most remarkable. Bad things did not stick to her. Correction: HER bad things did not stick to her. OUR bad things stuck very much to her. If we were hurt, if we were unhappy or otherwise victimized by life, she seemed to know about it, and to care, as soon as we did. But bad things falling on her-- unkind words, nasty snares, foot blisters -- she seemed unaware of. I never saw her look in a mirror, never heard her complain. All of her feelings, all of her attentions flowed outward. She had no ego."

"I did not know what I would do if I saw her. I knew only that I was nervous, afraid. I was more comfortable with her as history than as a person... since september she had been a preformer -- unique and outrageous -- on the high school stage. She was the opposite of cool; she held nothing back... she was there for all to see."

"'The thing is, there's no difference anymore between me and the universe. The boundary is gone. I am it and it is me. I am stone, a cactus thorn. I am rain.' She smiled dreamily. 'I like that most of all, being rain.'"

"'I whispered.'
'Whispered? How'd you expect me to hear?'
'I don't know,' she said. ' I just thought you would.'"

"Then she took my arm as if we were strolling down a promenade and she said, 'scream, leo.'
'Huh?'
'Just throw your head back and let it all out. Scream your ears off. Nobody will hear you.'
'Why would I want to do that?'
She turned her astonished eyes on me. 'Why wouldn't you?'"

My off day at subway (Imma poet!)

So today was one of those days where it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't a good day, it was just an off day. First off, I willingly woke up on time. then, I kinda enjoyed my english class (I usually hate my english class). I saw a human brain and had a hilariously fun time with josh in medical anatomy. I didn't fall asleep in math (possibly because we played bingo). i went to a lecture about sports medicine for extra credit during flex and lunch. I actually passed my foods test. I sang down the hallways with jacob. I was hurried home by ronnie (I didn't sit at the school chatting). I headed over to work a little early to buy Cari's christmas present (I'm the worst cousin in the world). This is where my strange work day begins.
I'm not gonna go into great detail about these stories, but if your interested to know you can ask me and I might tell you. Here is the list of strange things that happened to me at work today:
-hug in hallway before work from the kioske guy
-the quarter game. "Were just as uncomfortable as you are right now." :)
-arbys guy flirting
-12 year old flirting
-that awkward moment when you make HIM a sandwhich.
-seeing the latino divine comedy guy with the mustache
-the mentally ill guy. "Hello young boy!"
-random asking for drinks and extra food? What the crap is wrong with you people!
-the friendly old guys in the car. Just a pleasent hello!

Imperfections and all

There's a boy at my school named Corey. He has some kind of mental disability. He struggles concentraiting and often says exactly what's on his mind. He is in my seminary class. It has been a struggle for my teacher to try to keep everyone happy and spiritual and in control every day. Somedays there is no controling corey, and we just have to sit and wait patiently for him to give the time back to my teacher. Other days corey is just like everyone else, quietly listening and answering questions. Often when he gets up and shares his testimony he cracks a couple of punny jokes and then forgets his message and sits back down, or he'll pick a scripture at random, and somehow apply it to life with animals. Tuesday was different. He was his normal self at the beginning of class. Right after my teacher started the class, corey asked if he could share his testimony. My teacher let him. Corey stood up at the podeum with a sudden humbleness. His message was short, His thoughts were jumbled, and his words were out of order and confusing, but the message the spirit sent me was clear.
He told me that there are three perceptions. First, how we see ourselves. Second, how others see us. Third, how god sees us. The way we see ourselves is infected with the devils influince. We tell ourselves when we see ourselves that we are too short or too tall, too fat or too skinny, too white or too dark. The way others see us and think of us is tainted with unjustified judgement. The way god sees us is the only pure and untainted perception. No matter what others think or say about you and your worth and purpose on earth, only god knows your true and full potential. You don't have to be perfect. You have so much potential the way you are. Imperfections and all.

Thank you so much Corey.

Self worth

Your self worth is not decided by the number of facebook friends you have. It isn't decided by how often you get text messages or how many parties you go to. Your weight, skin color, job, talents, strengths, and weaknesses shouldn't affect your self worth. That boy has no right to decide how much your worth. Your self worth is decided by yourself and god. God has already let you know that you are worth everything. All the riches in the world combined cannot compare to your worth in the eyes of god. It is up to you to realize that you are worth so much more than you see when you look in the mirror. Its okay to love yourself, but beware of pride. You deserve to be treated better, so treat yourself better. You want to be happier? Do something uplifting.

DO NOT DEPEND ON OTHERS TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR EVERY EMOTIONAL NEED. Your friends have emotional needs too, and most of them know that they sometimes need to put their emotional needs first. If you become completely dependent on others to fill your emotional needs, you will forever feel an aching and longing for a kind of acceptance and emotional need that only one person can fill. You will never feel complete until you accept yourself.

You need to accept the fact that you are the way you are, and if you don't like the way you are, change yourself. Once you begin to love yourself, it will become easier to love others. Remind yourself and the people you choose to surround yourself with regularly of gods love for each of his children. let others see your confidence, and inspire them to see their own self worth. <3

One of those days

Have you ever had one of those days where you honestly try to be a good person and do good things, but the world seems to be out to get you and everything you do turns out to either hurt someone or fail miserably? I hate those days. But I think I hate watching my friends go through one of those days more then I hate going through one myself. I wish I knew what I could do or say to lighten the burden that the world, for some reason, has chosen to put on you today. Just remember I love you. I pray tomorrow will be a better day.