As I was reading today, I found I was having a hard time concentrating. My mind kept wandering. I was doing that thing where you read a paragraph, and then realize that you weren't actually paying attention, so you read it again, but you weren't paying attention that time either. You end up reading the same paragraph at least 20 times before you begin to understand what you've read. Then you move on to the next paragraph and do the same exact thing. This kept happening until I found myself thinking about how ridiculous it sounds for me to say that there is a God. I thought about how absolutely crazy I must be to believe in miracles, how naive I am to believe Joseph Smith is a prophet, or that man can be made perfect through the mercy of a dude named Jesus Christ.
I caught these thoughts innocently playing through my head. Honestly, I was heartbroken and appalled. I knew it wasn't me thinking these things. I knew fully that Satan brought these doubts to mind. But still, I have never doubted these things before, why was I suddenly thinking this way now?
Ill tell you why. Poor Satan is terrified. He and I both know that my knowedge of truth is growing, and my faith is getting stronger.
Even with this realization, the doubt did not go away. I got frustrated. I figured out what was happening, why weren't the feelings gone? Perhaps, much like faith is compared to a seed, doubt can be compared to a weed. Unless pulled out of the ground, the weed will grow and grow and take over any seed or flower that once existed. I needed to be rid of this weed, if I wanted to continue my growth.
Then I remembered Nephi's brothers, Laman and Lemuel. I remembered how they murmured and doubted, and righteous Nephi said to them "How is it that ye have forgotten...?" (1 Nephi 7:10-12). Nephi pleads to them and us, REMEMBER.
- Remember the first time I REALLY prayed? At girls camp in a hidden part of forest, I felt peace and God's love for the first time in my life; I could NEVER deny that.
- Remember that night I didn't think I'd make it through alive? The pain that I prayed and begged God to take away, suddenly gone? Such mercy, such understanding; I could NEVER deny that.
- Remember the night that I made a huge mistake? A mistake that could not be taken back. I was alone and scared, until he miraculously sent his comforter to me; I could NEVER deny that.
- Remember when I stood in the Sacred Grove? The sacredness and peace I felt there, how real and close the Holy Ghost was, the personal revelations given to me there; I could NEVER deny that.
- Remember the incredible, heartbreaking guilt I have felt time and time again? Remember the love and forgiveness I received, even when I was the least deserving?
I COULD NEVER DENY THAT.
Tell me, Satan, how can I have a garden full of gratitude, faith, peace, joy, and love, and still have room for the doubt you're trying to plant? There is no room for your lies in my heart.
Get the hence, Satan. You are wasting your time with me. I am a daughter of God, the child of a king. I have a divine purpose and I plan on fulfilling it. You can't stop me now. You cant bring me down. You have no power over me.
